she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
