I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
