I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
