Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
