So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
