Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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