You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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