If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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