Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
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