my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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