her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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