I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
