She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
