just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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