I think my fart just growled at me.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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