remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
