wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
