This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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