Umm I'm too high to move.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
