What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
