Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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