I think im going to throw up on grandma
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
