So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize