i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
