last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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