Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
