Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Randomize
