Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
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