Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
