Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
