So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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