it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I'm passing your future prison.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
