OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
