can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize