theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Randomize
