Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
