My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
This couple is walking their pig around campus
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
