I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I met the friendliest cop last night
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
