I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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