I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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