the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
