I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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