We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
