take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize