omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
