btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize