DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
