The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
