I murdered the dance floor call the cops
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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