dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
