If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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