"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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