i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize