Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
