see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
