did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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