I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
