I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
