I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
