Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
