Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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