champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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