my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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