I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize