I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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