Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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