She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
